Saturday, March 16, 2013

Day 81 Stand in front of Radiator with a Side of Cats

I've been sick too long.  Actually, I am getting better, but it's been a long haul of respiratory recovery.  My husband is in the depths of it, and I'm coming out the other end.

But, I don't know if it's the cold, grayness of March
or my disgust at ingesting any more medicine and sick of being sick
or my nutritionally unbalanced diet of the last 2 days of popcorn, Green & Black's organic almond milk chocolate bars, and lemonade
or the fact that I used up my vacation days being sick
and that my birthday is in a few days
and I just want to have easy fun.

But whatever, I feel like I can't draw another picture.
And I don't feel like it matters if I draw another picture.

I went and checked on Kenny--to see if he's still alive.
I laid down next to him, and I said, "I don't think I'm going to draw anymore."
He said, "Why not?"
I said, "Because it doesn't matter."
He said, "It matters to you."
I said, "I don't know if it does anymore."
He said, "Nothing is ever easy."

I thought, I wish it were.  

I just want to laugh easily.  I want to have a friend next door where we just start laughing over nothing and you roll over on your side and you feel like you've down a million sit-ups, and then you go and get a burrito with extra-hot sauce, and then you laugh some more, like you're drunk, but you're not.  And I want to listen to good, live music.  I'm not sure at what point fun became so fleeting or so hard to find, and everyone went off into their own directions.

I want people who are in their 20's to know that when you're in your 40's, you're really still in your 20's inside.  I wonder if when I'm 80, I'll still feel like I'm 20 inside.  Probably.  And it will be even MORE aggravating.  And as I'm waiting in the grocery line to buy my 6 oranges, veiny hands counting out my money, I'll have a soundtrack whirling through my head of the Allman Brother's "Whipping Post" or "Midnight Rider" or Guns 'n' Roses, "Paradise City."  The same songs an old roommate and I would listen to as we took off at midnight after I got off my job from Kinko's and drive 150 miles to go to a faraway Perkins or IHOP (even though there were some only 10 minutes away) and we'd order chocolate chip pancakes with whipped cream or chocolate silk pie and then we'd get home by 6 a.m. and go to bed.

Maybe if I could have had kids, I would be more comfortable in my "life stage."  Probably not, though.  There is sometimes a curse at being "young at heart."  It's that you're young at heart, but everyone else is living their life practically--and they're acting their chronological age.  And you're left thinking, "am I the only one who feels this way?"

Here's what I drew today as I laid on the couch with my sweet dog and watched "Beyonce's:  Life Is But a Dream" which is great, by the way.

I can't stand pretending to feel one way when I don't.  Sorry for the depresso post, but not sorry for being honest about it.


  1. Let me just tell you that in your 60's you still feel no different inside, but the outside starts to go to hell. The 40's and 50's you pretty much stay the same, mid 60's starting to see changes, not liking it. Less energy in that it's a chore to be out past 10pm and it's a real pain getting to a job every day. BUT it's better then the alternative, so we press on, enjoying life as we know it, with live music, good food, sex when we have the energy and spending time with friends and fam.I have a lot of kids and now one grandbaby, so maybe being kept busy helps, but I don't know. Maybe it's because we know the clock is winding down now, and we are getting older, not better. So we take joy in whatever makes us happy, and your art and comments make my day happy! Hope you both feel better soon. Pam

  2. Thank you, Pam. I really, really appreciate that you took the time to reply. When I started this blog--even in my "about me"--I talk about squeezing every drop of joy out, but sometimes--it is HARD...and you look back at those easier times. I'm going to keep trying to make now a better time. Thank you for helping me. (-:

    P.S., I totally thought you were in your early 50's, so girl, you are doing a whole lot right. (-: