Once my poor eyes are dilated and my eye exam is over, I just flat out ask the doctor for the truth.
"Look," I say, "all I do is read and paint, if I don't have my eyesight, then I might as well just forget it."
And then I ask aloud, the thoughts that have been swirling fearfully in my mind for 2 years after my last appointment and cruel assignment of bifocals, "Am I going blind?"
He assures me that no, I'm not at all. "You're extremely nearsighted, but we already knew that."
"Oh, I cry with yellow-mustard tears streaming down my face, "You had written so much on my chart the last time I was here, I was sure it was macular degeneration! I am now officially in love with you!" Um, was that inappropriate?
Maybe so, because he quickly tells me I can go to the other room and pick out glasses.
"The girls will help you," he says.
Well, I guess that's good considering without my glasses, I can only see clearly 1 inch in front of my face--no exaggeration! Now, I have dialated pupils to boot!
So, two "assistants" help me. The eyedrop lady and a helper. I am determined to stay strong.
I tell them loudly and clearly, "I want funky, nerdy glasses." I pause for effect. "The last time I was here," I say, "I got these boring practical glasses and I have never liked (I may have used the word 'hated') them." I can feel "Ms. Yellow Drop's" back stiffen. Oh no! Can it be that she remembers that she helped me pick out this last awful pair? I had wanted some heavy, dark Buddy Holly-type glasses, but she thought they looked too harsh against my pale skin--exactly the look I had wanted!
I stick to my resolve. I want cat-eye glasses in a crazy color. What I really want are the Lisa Loeb glasses, red and cream with crystals on the edges. Unfortunately, my face is too plump to make them work. Ugh! I LOVE Lisa Loeb. Does anyone remember that one season reality show she did when she moved to NYC from SoCal and she dated around? She ended up at some couples' counselor place, and when she told the psychiatrist/guru that she had always visualized herself walking down the aisle pregnant with cute pigtails and a cute little dress, the counselor said she would never get married, because she wasn't taking the marital institution seriously enough! Oh, brother! P.S. Lisa later ended up marrying a dude 10 years younger than herself AND had 2 kids. P.S.S.--Lisa sang, "Stay" (I Missed You) featured in the 1994 movie "Reality Bites." Surely EVERYONE knows that Ben Stiller cult classic (Winona Ryder, Ethan Hawke, Janeane Garofalo)! If not, get going peeps! One of the best movies ever!
O.K., so I'm going to end this long saga. Who knew an eye exam could be so eventful?! I end up with PURPLE cat-eye glasses. Remember, I can't quite see them--hardly at all, actually--but I'm sure I'm going to look smokin' hot. In fact, I visualize the geek rocker chick that I will be in them. Yes, indeedy. I also have a small vision of another potential outcome with those glasses, but I'm trying to blot it from my mind. (-;
Ah, the fantabulous, "Reality Bites."
AND Ethan Hawke looking hot, and singing the Violent Femmes' "Add It Up" ( (rarely taken off our turntable in college),
Lisa Loeb's "Stay"